I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
