I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
