so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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