I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
