My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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