all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
