I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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