Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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