you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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