i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
