Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
