I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
