the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wish my penis had an off switch
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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