Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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