i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
