I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
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