I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
