bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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