so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
