Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
