I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
