There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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