so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
