Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
