My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
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do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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