that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
