need another drink. this is the easiest way
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Randomize
