Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
