My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
