just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
