Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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