What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
