That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
