i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
