totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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