Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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