i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
