mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
