do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
