I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
