i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
