the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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