6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
