those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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