he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did we literally take a cab across the street
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
