well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
