I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize