you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
