you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
