No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
