We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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