You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
