im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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