I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
