I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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