Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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