The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
