Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
