We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
