Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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