operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
